Why Can’t We Just Admit That We All Need Help?

January 31, 2012 at 7:28 am , by Allison Winn Scotch

So I was reading one of my junky magazines recently and read that Angelina Jolie has six nannies. (!!!!!) Six.

Did you know that? I didn’t know that. I mean, of course, I knew that she didn’t do it all herself, as various gossip magazines will have you believe, but six? That’s an army. And maybe it’s not six nannies. Maybe it’s three. Or four. (I know better than to take the word of US Weekly as the total truth.) But certainly, it’s plenty.

I raise this NOT because I’m judging. Please know that I AM NOT JUDGING. Hey, look. She has six kids. She and Brad are always off on some far-flung location, sometimes with the kids, sometimes not, and if six nannies is what they need, then so be it. I mean, I find traveling with two kids enough to sometimes induce a psychotic break in the middle of the airport, so traveling with six? More power to them.

But what I find so particularly irksome about this news is what I alluded to before: that she and Brad convey the impression that they do it all themselves. Which if you really think about it, is entirely ridiculous. And – to be clear here – I don’t care at all how a superstar celebrity couple raises their kids. But what I do care about is the impression that working moms and working families are left with after they read a People magazine article or see “candids” of the family in Whole Foods. And the impression is this: Angie can be beautiful, hard-working, kick-ass, skinny, perfectly dressed AND she takes care of six kids full time!! It’s a breeze! I’ve read her interviews, I’ve read how she does bedtime and makes them all breakfast, and yet, I never read about how she’s so freaking exhausted that sometimes, she asks the nanny to do bathtime or put the kids to bed because she just needs a second to sit down and veg. And then, most importantly, this raises the question: if she can do all of that, why can’t I?

Why can’t you? BECAUSE SHE’S NOT REALLY DOING THAT! Of course she’s not! So why give the illusion that she is?

I don’t know. I suspect that it’s because somewhere, for whatever silly reason, people judge parents who need help. Which is just the most ludicrous thing in the world. WE NEED HELP. I NEED HELP. In the past few years, I’ve written four novels, one screenplay, hundreds of celebrity profiles, thousands of blog posts…how exactly am I supposed to get all of this done (much less shower and keep my sanity) without help? I can’t. And I shouldn’t. It’s not fair to any party involved. This is why I admire Tina Fey, who, when interviewed for Bossypants, states (honestly) that her nanny is one of the most important people in her household. Why should she be anything less than honest? This is one of the fundamental issues I have with our parenting generation – that we think that “mom” is synonymous with “martyr.” It’s not. Afterschool programs or grandparents who pitch in or hired babysitters can often be a lifeline for working parents, and I don’t know why it’s hard to admit that.

Being a healthy and good parent – to me – means that you’re well-rounded and sane and pursuing an entire variety of things in your life that allow you (and thus your kids) to flourish. (And if you disagree and think, as commenters have in the past, that working moms are selfish and horrible and robbing their kids of a childhood, this blog is not for you. I say that kindly. So please, no need to post those sentiments in the comments section below.) Sometimes, this means that you ask for help, from a sitter, from friend, from your in-laws. Six kids? You better believe she has help. So what? I just wish that she didn’t feel like she had to hide that.

What do you think: why is there a feeling that asking for help is wrong, and does it surprise you that the Jolie-Pitt household has as much help as they do?

1. by Brenda Janowitz

   On January 31, 2012 at 7:02 pm

   What a great post, Allison! You are so right– sometimes we feel like “mom” is synonymous with “martyr.” Which is ridiculous. The best parenting advice I ever got was: happy mommy, happy baby. Your kids can’t be happy and well adjusted if you’re not. And when I’m happy, I know that I’m a much better mom!

2. by Linda S. @whatevergirldc

   On January 31, 2012 at 7:04 pm

   Allison, I agree with everything you say! And, if I hadn’t also read that they had a ton of nannies I would also think “how does she do it all?”. But, it’s true, you never see a photo of them with a nanny. I think it’s a bad message to send, to working or stay-at-home parents. Even a stay-at-home parent needs help too. I think it’s important to ask for help, and if you don’t have family around or if you can’t afford a sitter, work something out with your spouse or maybe a neighbor can help out. Once my husband was traveling and I asked my neighbor to watch our son. She was happy to help out. You can always do something nice in return even if it’s not expected. You can watch their pets or take them out for lunch. I think for some people, it’s hard to ask for help, but once you get the words out, you’ll be surprised at positive the reaction will be.

3. by Kathleen

   On February 1, 2012 at 3:32 pm

   This is such a thoughtful and well written post. I was recently at a baby shower and the MIL of the guest of honor said “I feel bad for your generation – you’re under so much pressure to do everything yourselves.” And she’s right. I’m lucky enough to live near my parents, who help us out a ton, but I have friends who hesitate to call sitters and who feel like they’re “failing” if they can’t do everything themselves, all the time. And why not? Society acts like women need to be able to do it themselves to be good moms.

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