Posts Tagged ‘ adoptive parents ’

Readers React: “Can We Change Our Mind on Adoption?”

Wednesday, October 10th, 2012

Wow, I received a lot of flack from you readers on my former posts about feeling like the cost of international adoption is so deflating, and yet my family far prefers this option to a more open, domestic adoption. We even thought about trying to adopt a dog first to see if that will take the place of another being, another warm heart pumping, into our household. Well, the dog is working out great but the missing second child — on addition to my bio son Sam — is nowhere to be seen.

And adopting a second dog also made us realize again how much more work two is than one. Having one perfect beautiful bio child is pretty easy and amazing. But waiting for this missing daughter from India (who will be over four when we ever meet her) is losing its luster. My 6-year-old doesn’t even want to share his toys anymore.

Reader Renee said “I was adopted as an infant, but I already had an identity of my own. I was someone’s daughter BEFORE I was adopted. Any infant not born to you with be someone else’s son or daughter. It will have the genes, traits, abilities, talents, physical characteristics, etc., of its biological family, just as you have the genes, traits, abilities, talents, physical characteristics of yours and your husband has the genes, traits, abilities, talents, physical characteristics, etc., of his.

What your husband wants is a Cabbage Patch Kid. They sell them at Target; please go buy him one instead of helping him to destroy a human being with his mind-boggling narcissism.”

Thanks, I think, Renee. Adoption is hard enough without all the critiques and bad advice though.

“Let’s just stick with the dog,” I told my husband after reading a dozen nasty comments. And then, finally, one reader who happens to be a social worker responded, and helped me understand:

Lori said, “It sounds like you are exploring many options for building your family. It’s great that you reach out to people who can fill in what you haven’t yet experienced. It’s difficult, when you’re merely talking about a theoretical baby or child, to  ‘get deep down,’ that eventually you will be raising an actual child-tween-teen-adult who comes to you with her own blueprint, DNA, memories, traits, temperament, etc — things that are, in many ways, set. And removed from the influences of you and your husband.

“It can be a tough pill for a pre-adoptive parent to swallow, but it’s also a beautiful thing for a parent to watch a daughter who is yours (as in being claimed by, not as in ownership) blossom in surprising and unexpected ways.”

Thanks for all the pros and cons, tell me more in the comments below!

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Foster Kids: There are Monsters Under our Beds

Friday, October 5th, 2012

After going back and forth relentlessly between domestic adoption, closed adoption (my husband) versus open domestic adoption (the wife), we are at a standstill. Bio son Sam has been waiting so long for a young sister or brother that he almost doesn’t care anymore (two years and counting). At age 4, Sam was excited about a sibling; at six he’s nearly over it.

Another standstill: It’s harder and harder to leap over all the adoption barricades: finances, emotions, huge disagreements, our busy working lives, etc.

Barricade #1: Cost of an international adoption which is clearly the winner vote by our family. Hard to scare up the initial $15,000 to get the international adoption ball rolling. The total cost of an international Indian adoption for a young toddler daughter will costs total between $30,000 – $50,000.

We have some emotional obstacles around international adoption as well: Some parents who adopt internationally will question the need to bring up things that happened in their child’s past. Could you personally admit that money may have driven your birth parents’ decision, or that your joyful toddler comes from poor parents who never even gave consent?

If corruption exists in your child’s birth country or may have played a role in your baby’s adoption, I believe it’s not your fault. You didn’t set out to “steal” anyone’s baby.

From International Adoption to Domestic Adoption

You can read about our fears and ignorance around foster children in previous posts, but I still urge everyone to look into local domestic adoptions first. You adopt in a shorter amount of time and deeply serve your local community.

Re: Domestic Adoption from the Los Angeles County foster and family agencies. After several posts over the last few weeks, devout reader Jayme, who spent young, formative years in foster care in another state wrote to me.

Looking back, she remembered, “Nothing short of horrid. We used to be told about the monsters under our beds when we were young. Sometimes I wonder if they really are real? Monsters are everywhere. I learned the hard way.

“Sad sad sad,” said reader Jayme. Keep up the good work on adoptions, and I will. Share your stories with me:

 

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Can You Change Your Mind About Domestic Adoption?

Wednesday, October 3rd, 2012

Well, of course you can at any point, but I did not consider it for our family. But this is taking awhile.

When my family eventually adopts a toddler from another continent, via international adoption and most likely from India, we ensure someone else’s daughter will understand about womens rights and have a right to vote, and to drive, and to pick her own husband.

We lean toward adopting an international daughter from India because so many little girls in Third World countries are sold into prostitution and slavery.

Our first route was definitely private domestic adoptions and my family started off by being informed about open adoptions, but the more he heard about it the more my husband was uncomfortable with contact with her birth family. He is a very private guy, doesn’t communicate with his own father anymore, and basically wants a child that belongs to him and him alone.

I know I’m going to hear it from all you domestic, open adoption fans but we prefer an international child who lives here with us while her poor, biological parents reside in India, 9,000 miles away, or whatever.

We know the stats as potential adoptive parents, more communicative and kinder open adoptions are better than before. Families can (and often do) sidestep the stigma of adoption to meet and establish initial communications between both families; yearly reunions or monthly letters helps the adopted child with health histories and cultural identity.

Darrin wants no part of this universe. I want to hear from adoptees who have never kept in touch with birth parents versus domestic and open newborn adoption. I think botoh sound incredibly difficult. Do you?

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Update: Adoptive Parents Travel to Ghana for 4 Siblings

Wednesday, September 19th, 2012

Here is a happy ending to the story we ran last week on an Irvine couple who traveled to Ghana with two biological children last month. Originally, we thought, how awesome and easy it souded, after waiting two years for a sibling group from Ghana, this family was about to inherit four siblings younger than 10. Imagine?

And then the worst happened when the arrived in Ghana for immigration paperwork and their new adopted kids. The married couple was actually held in a prison-like environment during adoption proceedings.

The big-hearted Irvine Calif. couple and their two children recently traveled to Ghana in order to adopt a set of four young siblings, and they became entwined in a bureaucratic, international adoption nightmare.

See the original story here. Long story short? The entire family is happy to be home!

According to the Orange Country Register reports, Sol and Christine Moghadam were accused of child trafficking when the family and their two biological sons went to Ghana to pick up their new siblings. But an anonymous phone call accusing the Moghadams of child trafficking prompted police to arrest both parents and put all the children into an orphanage.

The two biological sons, ages 3 and 7, and the four adoptive children were taken from them and placed in a Ghanaian orphanage. Their biological sons were returned to them the following day, after the couple posted bail. The whole family, all eight of them, were reunited within a couple days and they now have their passports back.

“We are investigating a couple who arrived at the airport with six children – four blacks and two whites – which aroused the suspicion of security officers at the airport who stopped them from traveling,” an official with the Anti-Human Trafficking Unit of the Ghanaian police told the Associated Press. “They say the children were adopted, and we are investigating to find out if this has been properly granted by a court of proper jurisdiction.”‘

In a video created on their behalf, the couple and their friends say Christine Moghadam was forced to spend a night in jail while Sol Moghadam was held in a detention center. “Ghanaian police did not tell us about our rights until the day after they detained us; they did not tell us about the offense at the time of the arrest; violence was involved… Thank you for your prayers.”

They were never charged with anything!

What do you think of the mountains of paperwork, endless immigration legalities and slow-moving beurocracy that prevent orphans from being adopted? Tell me your adoption story here:

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Have a Play Date with Nature and Your Kid

Wednesday, September 12th, 2012

Calling all prospective parents: Sometimes I happen upon a post that’s not so tailored just for the adoption marketplace,  and this is one of those too-good all-natural posts that’s really perfect for all families.

In trying to plan our long afternoons off from first grade — the kid gets out before 3 pm, for goodness sake, I was happy to receive tips from the National Wildlife Federation in conjunction with research from North Carolina State University, which developed a thoughtful guide to creating enticing outdoor play spaces as close as a patio or balcony.

A “Guide to Nature Play Spaces” can help transform playgrounds, schoolyards, childcare centers, museums and zoos into spaces where kids can connect, play and learn.

The idea behind a nature play space is that instead of the standard metal and plastic structures that make up the bulk of today’s playgrounds, you can incorporate the surrounding landscape and vegetation to bring nature todaily outdoor play and learning environments.

  • Gather natural materials like sticks, leaves, and grasses to use in imaginative play. The simplest nature play consists only of gathering some of nature’s “loose parts” already present in a yard.
  • Collect  branches, logs, sticks, and rope to build a fort, hideout or den.
  • Use a hollow log, planter or corner of the yard to make a miniature scale fairy village. These become enchanted places that stimulate creative, make-believe settings.
  • Plant or pot colorful, textured spices like rosemary, lavender and thyme to make a sensory garden.
  • Set up small stumps of various heights that children can step across for learning balancing skills.
  • Help with garden tasks like planting, watering and harvesting provide hands-on play and learning opportunities. Parents indicate they want their kids to experience nature, but it can be difficult to find an opportunity that fits a busy schedule,” said Allen Cooper, Senior Education Manager for National Wildlife Federation.

Log onto the  Nature Play at Home Guide and start digging in the dirt, regardless of your outdoor space. Even patios and balconies provide opportunities for kids to connect with nature.

Do you have an inspiring adoption story for me? Comment below.

 

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