Adopted Kids Who Do Not Want to Find Bio Mom

If you’ve been reading now for awhile, you know that my husband Darrin and I want to add to our one biological child Sam (he’s closer to six now than five) because Sam desperately wants a sibling and my guys are slowly talking me into it. I feel ambivalent a lot of the time because I like our simple, do-able life. I can go hiking with my dog when I want, Sam and Darrin are at the age when they want to play sports together.

I also travel frequently for work and I don’t want to be tied down with another little one any time soon. I think.

I’ve been emailing back and forth with a smart lady named Belinda in San Dimas, Calif. I feel like she has a unique perspective because her adoptive parents actually saved up all her adoption papers and gifted them to her and Belinda did not wish to find her bio parents.

Not one little bit. What gives?

Belinda said, “I was adopted at six weeks old and my bio mom was supposedly a young woman who came to Los Angeles to work and end up in a firm working for a man that was high powered enough at the time to have a recognizable name.  She ended up having an affair with him and getting pregnant.  He was a married man, so adoption is what she chose.”

When she was 18, Belinda’s loving adoptive mom gave her the legal notes and one-page biography in the adoption papers about her young mother. She remembers the “healthy” status of her bio mother from those notes, brown hair, blues eyes, her height and interests. “In fact both my bio mom and my adoptive one enjoyed reading and sewing. That was interesting.”

Belinda’s adoptive parents (her “real” parents) always acknowledged her adoption and encouraged her to discuss it. “They just let me know from a really early age, so it was always a part of my knowledge and never a shock. No weird comments from relatives, nothing. Also, I look enough like my adoptive parents and brother so that no one questioned me.”

Belinda has never searched out her bio-mom. “I just felt that I had my real family, nothing was missing and I assumed the same was true for my bio-mom. At least I have always hoped so, for her sake,” Belinda said. It all seems very healthy and loving, bravo.

Thanks for sharing, Belinda. Please tell me your foster or adoption story next.

Add a Comment
Back To The Adoption Diaries, by Nicole Dorsey-Straff
  1. by Maggie McLaughlin

    On November 2, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    Dear Nicole,
    I placed my daughter for adoption in 1991, I was 16. I thought about her daily and had hopes that she would someday find me. A little over a month after her 18th birthday I received a letter from the adoption agency that my daughter had requested my information. I was overwhelmed with joy! Two years later we have a wonderful friendship. Her family is just amazing, more loving and caring than I could have ever imagined they would be. She has grown up into a beautiful woman. We all get together at holidays, I travel to her home 6hrs away, she has been here to ours, we have taken vacations together and text and talk regularly. Ours is probably an exception to the rule but truly a dream come true for us all :)

  2. by Cole

    On November 4, 2011 at 12:41 am

    I was adopted by my biological grandparents and raised for 17 years without any knowledge of my adoption. It wasn’t until after my parents were deceased that I found out. My bio parents were in the picture, however in very different roles, and so following my being informed of the adoption I felt no need to go searching them out. I have no contact with them (they were not at all good people) and I’m perfectly okay with it being that way.

  3. by Allison

    On December 6, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    One thing that is not often considered in adoption is the impact on future generations.

    My mother was placed for adoption at 7 weeks old and placed with her adoptive family at 7 months. She always knew of her adoption but still wondered at the unknown. With deference to her loving parents, my mother waited until they passed before searching for her biological parents.

    As a child, I did not understand the long hours we spent in libraries pouring over records, but I’ve since understood her need to know and understand herself better and her need to say ‘thank you’ for choosing life.

    Despite finding her biological mother, we have no relationship. Many years ago she chose not to have contact with us. As a young child, I did not understand how I could have a ‘grandma’ who did not want to meet me. As an adult I understand that she is not, nor ever has been my ‘grandma’. That is a title of love and belongs only to the grandparents who were a part of my life.

    But it is as an adult that I cannot understand my biological maternal grandparent refusing to provide a family medical history. Especially after my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer almost 7 years ago, I realized truly how adoption not only affected my mother, but my sister and myself and now my children. Is there a family history of cancer beyond my mother? Heart disease? Stroke? Infertility?

    My mother may wish she had the chance to say thank you to her biological mother and while yes, I am grateful that she did choose life, I can’t help but feel that she not only abandoned my mother as an infant, but again as an adult when she refused any contact and any medical information.