Infertility and Adoption, Make the Decision!

baby shower adoption diariesThere are four of us, you’ve probably heard us cackling at the Los Angeles Museum of Art, sipping wine near the Rodin Statue Garden. All members of the media: two writers, a marketing maven and one hot PR chick. We get together monthly (or so) to gossip and motivate each other to try that new belly dancing class, or debate the need for Four Square.

Going around the table, on our second glass of  Chablis, I tell my tribe about this exciting adoption-blogging gig for As PR chick launches into a social media plan for Tweeting all week long — generous friends — I happen to look across at *Barbara sitting opposite me.

She is sitting over a half-eaten stuffed jalapeno with tears streaking down her pale face.

Barbara has been trying to get pregnant with her husband for six years. She had health complications and by the time doctors cleared up down below, well, she’s nearly 50.

I am the first to notice Barbra’s hand cupping her tears like a goblet, like a precious offering at the dinner table.

“We’re not going to adopt,” she tells us in a rush. While her husband was willing to take fertility tests, shoot her in the ass with sickening hormones every day, and all that waiting waiting waiting, he is finally not open to adoption. He says looking into adoption now, after all the other infertility disappointments, is just too much.

He says the baby longing and the crushing disappointments are too hard on their marriage. “She’s dying,” he says of his wife.

Tonight over tapas, Barbara says in a too-calm tone: “I can’t talk about this anymore. Let’s move the conversation onward.” It sounded like she is blandly discussing a 401K bond. We all look around the table and fight for control; we’ve been getting no baby updates from our friend for years now.

We all finally raise our glasses to toas. To Barbara. To moving on.

But I cannot help myself. I finally say, “Barbara, you would have been the most absolutely, fucking amazing mother.”

She stops crying.

We drink.

Join me next week where we discuss how infertility and adoption intertwine.

Add a Comment
Back To The Adoption Diaries, by Nicole Dorsey-Straff
  1. by Paula schuck

    On July 29, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    This saddens me always when people opt not to adopt. I know it is a personal choice.

    There are so many kids waiting. Babies to teens. Inwod adopt 10 more times. It was the best thing we ever did. I am not judging your friend. Many of our friend’s struggling with infertility made the same choice. Yet another told me I would have kept trying until I died. But dr finally asked her – do you
    want to be pregnant or do you want to be a parent. Parenthood won and now they have two beautiful kids.


  2. by Nicole Dorsey

    On July 30, 2011 at 9:27 am

    SO good to keep in mind Paula, thanks!

  3. by Courtney

    On August 24, 2011 at 12:42 am

    I feel for your friend; that was me 3 years ago. At the age of 33 I was done with pills, shots, ultrasounds, and walking out of the doctor’s office fighting tears after each failed course of treatment. My husband was pro adoption and I was just done. Done with disappointment and the longing to be a mom, I told him to forget it. I did not want to raise a baby that wasn’t mine.

    I am so glad I changed my mind. We went through our states foster to adopt program an actually had newborn twin boys placed with us within 2 months. Our case is like a fairy tale – we will finalize our adoption in November when the boys are just 10 months old. The norm is 2 years from placement to finalization.

    I love these boys like they are mine and am so glad I opened my heart to this; I cannot even imagine my life without them now.

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