The 5 Stages of New-Mom Friendships

Things Get Messy

The Reality Phase

Every day that your baby wakes up, alive and smiling at you, is like another cosmic vote of confidence in your ability to master this parenting gig. You no longer need the 24-7 telephone support of another new mom. But along with all those returning brain cells is the realization that perhaps you and your new best friend aren't really that compatible.

You've invited her to join your book club, for example, but she's declined, saying it conflicts with her scrapbooking night. You're beginning to get the sense she doesn't approve of your parenting style. She's much more serious about it, after all. You told her about how you forgot to bring your diaper bag that time and had no tissues so you had to improvise by using an old shirt you found in the back of your car and...well, she didn't laugh at all. You still see each other, mostly at the park or at the bagel shop before Mommy and Me classes, but she hasn't dropped by in a month. And you're incredibly relieved.

The Beginning of the End

You meet another woman. She's clever, bookish, and horribly disorganized. You talk for hours, and only a third of the conversation is about your babies. In short, here's a friend you like regardless of her mom status. In the meantime, encounters with your old "friend" have become ever more strained. That's because all you can talk about now is the mommy default topic: your kids. But now it's all about one-upmanship.

"You know, extended breastfeeding takes a lot of baby weight off."

"Maybe," you counter. "But that bottle sure gets her down easy. Boy, nothing like a full night's sleep to put a whole new perspective on things."

"Did I tell you Susie has a vocabulary of some 50 words already?"

"No, you didn't. Fortunately I don't need my 1-year-old to talk. I know what her needs are."

The End

You both know it's over. But nobody wants to state the obvious. So instead, it becomes harder and harder to schedule a play date. Guilt gets the better of you, so you call now and then but are always hugely relieved to get her machine. "Call me!" you chirp, knowing you, at least, have done your social duty. She returns the call two weeks later. "Sorry! Got busy! Call me!" And so it goes, until the phone messages taper off.

It's inevitable that you'll bump into each other at the supermarket. You'll raise your voices two octaves and air-kiss. "It's so good to see you! You look great! We have to get the girls together!" You promise to call this very week for a play date. You both know you're lying, that apart from your girls, you don't even share a coffee drink in common (those double half-caf soy mocha drinks of hers should have raised red flags long ago). It's time to cut the cord. You were once the best of friends, but your babies have grown and so have you. You have no regrets though, and no hard feelings.

Nobody knows what kind of parent she'll be until she becomes one. And at least you had each other to cling to through those scary early months before you realized you were the wrong kind of parents for each other.

Julie Tilsner's latest book is Mommy Yoga, the 50 Stretches of Motherhood (Celestial Arts, October 2005).

Originally published in American Baby magazine, July 2005.

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