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What No One Tells You About Early Motherhood
I adore my son. At 18 months old, he's my boyfriend, my little bit on the side. What I feel for him sometimes borders on rapture, especially when we're making each other laugh by rubbing noses, or when I nuzzle his neck -- that secret chubby spot at the back that stays warm the longest after a nap. One flash of his grin, and I'm all aflutter. I'm in school again, writing his name over and over like a crush.
It was not always thus. Once the adrenaline rush of giving birth to Daniel faded, I set about Feeling Mother Love, and lo and behold, it didn't happen. I didn't love him. Truth be told, in those early weeks, I had to muster enough emotion to even like him.
My husband would come home and declare how he'd missed Daniel all day long. I looked at the boy and thought, "Him? You missed him?" I couldn't fathom what there was to miss. He hadn't done a thing all day, unless you count peeing in my face when I removed his diaper, or crying for three hours straight for no discernable reason.
Love him? Miss him? Bah, humbug. I was a Scrooge mom.
The Nitty-Gritty of Early WeeksAt six weeks, I took him with me to my ob-gyn's office for my checkup. The way she and her nurse were oohing and ahhing over him ("He's so cuddly!" "Look at those eyes!") gave me pangs. My doctor, bless her, must have noticed the look of fear and panic in my eyes.
"This is the bottom, I promise," she said. "This week, or next week maybe, he'll smile and it'll all be worthwhile."
Now, what you might be expecting me to say here is that he did smile, and that I melted and never looked back. But that would be only partly right. I melted, but I always look back. I am determined to remember how I felt in those early weeks, to share with other women the nitty-gritty of how awful it was. Not because I enjoy being a purveyor of doom-and-gloom tales, but because I care enough to be honest.
Yes, I will say to anyone who will listen, there were days I wanted to pop my screaming baby out onto the fire escape and forget he ever existed. Yes, there were times I asked my husband, in all seriousness, whose brilliant idea it had been to have a baby (uh, mine).
What are we doing, as women, when we don't tell each other the truth? Why do we gloss over it? It's not possible that we fully forget. Is it some sort of benign neglect? Or is it the mothering instinct itself kicking in? Just as we want to shield our children from the scary monsters of the world, perhaps we also want to shield other women from the utter horror show that life with a newborn baby can be.
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Looking back, i know it was because she had been so much wanted- it took us 10 years to have her- that we were utterly afraid to connect with her in case something would happen and we ll lost her again. We should stop promoting this idea of perfect families. It is hard at first weeks but it will get better
1/3/2012 01:51:54 PM Report AbuseI am so happy to read articles like this,i could have writen it my self.It is so tragicly wrong and puts so much pressure to most women this fantacy that you must immediadedly fall in love with your child.it was only around her first year that I allowed my self to trully unleash love feelings hidden in me for my daughter.
1/3/2012 01:50:06 PM Report AbuseI'm so glad to read that others felt the same way I did. My daughter is 10 1/2 months old now and I love her to pieces! But when she was first born I didn't 'fall in love' as soon as I held her. I didn't really feel anything right away...except tired and frustrated at the crying and lack of sleep. Thank you for writing this for us moms that had a tough time with motherhood in the beginning!
1/20/2010 02:02:50 PM Report AbuseMy baby boy just turned 11months and its gotten a little easier now, but those few first days I just had gotten back from the hospital were crazy... my bbay would sleep all day and wake up at 12am for the next three to four hours! I would literally cry cause I was so exhausted. Its just worth it when you have those special moments of their first smiles and giggles. After all that I'm planning on getting another bun in the oven this summer so wich me luck!b :)
1/4/2010 02:20:39 PM Report Abusethanks for the article, it's so true. Babies change your life and it's very hard to adjust, I'm still not adjusted and mine is 21 months old! It is so hard being a mother! Harder than I ever imagined. you may have postpartum depression and help is out there just talk to your ob/gyn dr or family dr, I had it so I know all about it unfortunately.
12/18/2009 11:33:15 AM Report AbuseThank you so much for writing what I've been shamefully thinking in the middle of the night when I'm rocking, rocking, rocking, pacing, pacing, pacing. I was so afraid that I was the only one thinking that life after my son was born has mostly sucked (although I did nearly cry from happiness the first time he looked at me and smiled after I told him good morning). It's so nice to hear that I'm not the only one who has struggled to get that "motherly" feeling and that it gets better!
12/14/2009 08:17:38 PM Report AbuseFrankly I'm tired of hearing how terrible it is from other moms. how sore I'll be after my c-section..how I'll never sleep again. Can't I just be somewhat nieve and believe I will actually be happy instead of always hearing how miserable I will be...as if it isn't going to be hard enough without all the negativity!
12/14/2009 02:38:43 PM Report AbuseThank you for writing this. I still have 11 more days to go before LO arrives, but I feel bad at times when people ask me what being pregnant feels like and I can't lie to say "peachy keen." Prayerfully, I won't have postpartum depression but I strongly doubt that I will have postpartum nostaglia either. I'll just be in the middle - slowly learning to love the blessing that has been wreaking havoc in my life for the past 38 weeks.
12/13/2009 04:32:23 PM Report AbuseThank you for writing this! I felt very much the same way for the first 2 weeks especially, and still feel partly like this at 4 weeks. My husband looks at me like I am saying disturbing things when I share with him how I feel, and I have been thinking something is wrong with me for feeling this way. Thank you for sharing your story.
12/11/2009 10:52:34 PM Report Abuse