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Static Cling: Separation Anxiety
When her son Zachary hit the 7-month mark, "separation anxiety" became a daily part of Debbie Kaplan's lexicon. The Foster City, California, mom suddenly had a hard time going to temple or exercising, even though her synagogue and gym both offered childcare.
"As soon as Zachary realized I was going to leave, he would get scared and cling to me," she says. "Putting him down was torture, because he would start crying and ignore everything and everyone else in the room. And distraction didn't work," she says.
Such scenes are harrowing for you, but according to experts, separation anxiety is a sign of a healthy relationship between parent and child. Simply put, a child who is securely attached to her parents misses them when they go away. That's comforting to hear, but what should you do when the wailing starts? Read on.
Why the Fuss?Blame it on intellectual development. Before the eighth month, it's almost as if your child has no short-term memory. "If you take a toy away, it no longer exists to the child; or if Mommy or Daddy leaves, she or he is forgotten," explains pediatrician Ari Brown, MD, coauthor of Baby 411: Clear Answers and Smart Advice for Your Baby's First Year (Windsor Peak Press). That's why a 4-month-old has little trouble going from the arms of one adult to another. Several months pass, and baby turns an intellectual corner. "As a baby's brain matures, she realizes that things still exist even though she can't see them anymore," Dr. Brown says.
Enter separation anxiety, which can rear its head when you're dropping your baby off at daycare -- or when you're simply going to the bathroom. And just when you thought it was safe to take a shower, it makes another appearance around 15 months. It's a little different this time around. Your child understands that you're somewhere else when you leave, but she doesn't know if you're leaving for a minute -- or forever. The result, as Melanie Nicsinger, of Overland Park, Kansas, discovered, is a lot of crying: "When Zachary turned 16 months old, he'd have a fit if I walked into the next room -- running after me, yelling 'Mama!' terrified at the thought of my being gone."
Compounding things further is your toddler's growing need to control his world. "They don't want you to leave. They can't stop you, and they don't have the language skills to say, 'I'm in charge of the world, and this is not what I wanted you to do,'" says Dr. Brown. "So you get an explosion or temper tantrum."
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my little boy is 21 months and he has just started showing signs of separation anxiety - he's never shown it before...it's as if he's just realised that i could go and not come back...why is it so late? and what can i do?
1/30/2012 06:25:34 PM Report Abusewell you didnt tell me anything about how to sooth my babys anxiety of me leaving the room and her screaming you just said that she wants to control the world
4/22/2011 04:13:29 AM Report AbuseI am a SAHM my son is going through these issues...how do I get him used to a babysitter or a daycare when he rarely goes? But I do need a break once in a while?
12/7/2010 02:53:51 PM Report AbuseOkay, well this would be all fine and dandy, except my youngest daughter is 2 1/2 years old and she still won't let me leave the room. She's very strongly attached to my hip, patience only runs so thin before its irritation. How long is this supposed to last exactly?? I have 4 kids and none of the others did this. I love my baby girl but I'd like to be able to walk out my front door without tip toeing or plugging my ears to avoid hearing her cry for mommy.
11/18/2010 04:59:53 AM Report AbuseI am a man, but even when I am with my 14months old, she only play with me for a moment the next thing is MOMMY. Its nerve recking in church as many of my parishers really want her to play but it always crying all through the service, most times her mom would have to leave the Choir stand when its getting unbearable.
11/8/2010 07:46:52 AM Report AbuseDear Amber805as, If your son is doing this when going with his dad then their might be a problem why he don't want to go. My son use to do this to but eventually you have to let go even if it hurts. keep an eye on him and if you see anything strange when he returns document it down for futher actions that might have to happen. otherwise insure him everything is okay and you love him when you two separate.
10/20/2010 01:52:01 PM Report AbuseSometimes that is a good thing. maybe get her around them more often.
10/20/2010 01:45:44 PM Report AbuseThat's great that they identify when separation anxiety hits, but nowhere do they address what to do. Since my daughter was 10 months old she has to have me in the room with her or she falls apart. I don't necessarily have to play with her the whole time, just be there. I can't even walk into the kitchen without her dropping everything she's doing and come looking for me sobbing. Will she grow out of this or is there something I should be doing?
10/12/2010 02:26:21 PM Report AbuseI run a daycare and I see this all the time! the sooner they put the child down, hug him, say goodbye and leave, the sooner their loving child will stop crying and go find something to play with!I have new toys they've never played with! The longest I've ever had a kid cry after mom/dad left was ten minutes! And it wore the poor baby out, he took a nap and was all smiles and giggles! We go thru this every morning for about a week and then poof! All Better!
10/12/2010 12:39:43 PM Report AbuseWhat works for my son is spending some quiet time just him and me. No TV and low light. We just snuggle and talk, then he is able to settle into sleep when I put him to bed and helps him sleep longer. For leaving the room, he just has to learn that Mommy is coming back. I do one thing and come right back. Eventually I get done what I need to but if I don't it's OK. I try to take showers before he gets up or after he goes to bed.
9/14/2010 12:46:13 PM Report Abusei do agree with this artical but how do you sooth your child when you cant even get off the bed from sitting next to her my daughter is 13 months and we can be sitting on the bed and i go to get up then everything falls apart
8/11/2010 10:35:44 AM Report AbuseArgh. It makes me feel great that he misses me; however, I also have a four year old and sometimes you just want two minutes. The 4 year old is fine with it but the second I try with the 15 month old, it's utter catastrophe. What do I do?
7/17/2010 07:35:53 PM Report AbuseMy daughter is about to exit the 14 month phase and suffer from separation anxiety. Doing my basic chores or even leaving the house for a bit seems to be too much for her and at times for me. The constant crying and searching for me breaks my heart. The biggest fear is leaving her and fearful that she won't be taken care of properly.... The thing is i have to work how to i break the hold without breaking my baby.
6/22/2010 12:33:41 PM Report AbuseI was just questioning this with my daughter, she is 15 months and is starting to cry everytime i turn around! Soo,, what do we do? Do we keep picking her up? or ignore her crys and wait until she stops to pick her up? I feel horrible.
6/8/2010 11:48:23 AM Report AbuseMy son is 14 months and he's been in this separation anxiety mode for about a month. I didn't think he was even going to go through this, and like it seems many other kids who are social butterflies, I really didn't think he would get it. He loves being around people but I am a single parent and when we are at home, I can't leave him for even 10 seconds without him crying and following me around. I don't know what to do really. How long does this usually last?
6/1/2010 03:10:53 PM Report AbuseI can so relate to this article. My daughter is 14 months and she has a bad case of separation anxiety but only with me (not my husband). I tend to do the "sneaking out" thing because I can't stand to hear her cry as I walk away. I can't go anywhere in the house without her running behind me crying and wanting to me held. It gets a bit frustrating but I know it will pass, I just have to wait it out.
5/25/2010 12:09:44 PM Report AbuseAs I read this article it hit me that my son Cameren is going through separation anxiety. When I leave to go to work he cry's and call for me. When he sees his dad he cry's because he don't know who he is,and doesn't want anyone to hold him but me. I want to put him in daycare but I'm scared that he will cry all day. Some people can't handle a child that cry's and that makes me oh so nerves..I'm not sure what to do.
5/11/2010 04:53:59 PM Report AbuseWe just entered this phase at 13 months...I thought we'd squeaked by unscathed, but I guess not :) It's not about strangers...she's a social butterfly. It's about me (or my husband) leaving the living room to go to the kitchen, or the bathroom, or the laundry room. She will burst into a (short-lived) crying jag even when one parent is still in the room, prompting either of us to say, "what? I'm chopped liver? Mommy/Daddy is still here!"
5/11/2010 12:36:07 PM Report AbuseHats off to you, amber805as~ now that I am a mother of 2...and even when I was a mother of one...I looked forward to the time when Daddy would be home so that I could take a little break. My complete admiration go out to single parents b/c their job is constant. Separation anxiety is tough with 2 parents...w/ one I bet it's even more of a challenge.
5/4/2010 02:44:04 PM Report AbuseThis article is dead on with my kid. Since I am a single mother and he has little interaction with his father or his father's side of the family, my son clings to me and my immediate family that he sees on a regular basis. He is almost 15 mos and he been in his separation anxiety mode since 8 mos. This has become quite an annoyance, but as his independence grows, I have noticed that his tolerance for me leaving is becoming better.
2/23/2010 11:07:06 AM Report AbuseThis article would be helpful if my child was older, but she just turned 5 months and freaks out whenever someone she doesn't recognize or know even looks at her (including my mother-in-law and my brother), let alone try to talk to her or hold her. Is there anything I can do to help ease her seems how she's younger?
2/11/2010 07:12:38 AM Report Abuse